


And I Try So Hard To Hold On (But I Keep On Falling)

by Dreamshaper



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: And angst, F/F, Fluff, Professor Erin and student Holtz, Slow Burn, and hurt/comfort, au-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-03-03
Packaged: 2018-09-19 00:30:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 21,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9409358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamshaper/pseuds/Dreamshaper
Summary: To keep her scholarship, engineering student Jillian Holtzmann has to work as research assistant for one Dr Erin Gilbert. There's more than meets the eye to Dr Gilbert though, and Holtzmann might be the only one able to help her with what she's struggling with.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title to this is taken from the Within Temptation song "I don't wanna" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFfwUdTrJAc - I have no idea why, but the whole scenario just popped into my head when I was listening to it one day on the way home from work.  
> Special thanks to my Holtzbro maschinenmensch, who bounced ideas back and forth with me on this and listened to my whining whenever I got stuck. XD

Holtzmann was used to many things, ranging from unexpected poofs – tiny and medium – to her projects shocking her out of nowhere; what she wasn’t used to though was being nervous, and so, she wasn’t quite sure how to deal with this emotion as she made her way down the hall, to the door behind which she would meet her new boss.

She took in a deep breath as she stopped in front of said door, taking a moment to read the nameplate next to it, even though she knew whom she would be working for; she’d been hoping that they’d let her work for the woman who was basically her mentor, Dr Gorin, but that hope had been smashed by the dean, the elder man telling her that Dr Gorin had more than enough assistants and the woman they’d send her to was in more dire need of one.

She was still a bit miffed about that, after all, the woman worked in a field which, while related to hers, wasn’t her strong suit; she told herself that she could do this though – not to mention that she sort of had to, if she wanted to keep her scholarship – then read the name once more, even though she knew that she was in front of the right door.

_Dr Erin Gilbert_

Holtzmann cleared her throat, then finally raised her fist and knocked the door; unlike when she went into Dr Gorin’s office, she waited for the “Come in!” to come up before she pushed the door handle down and entered the office.

It was one of the medium sized ones, she could tell at once, not the tiny sort new professors got, but not one of the big ones given to people with tenure, either; and it was spotless, that was the next thing she picked up on, all the framed diplomas and awards on the wall perfectly aligned, not a single speck of dust anywhere, and the books on the shelves just as perfectly put in as the diplomas, as if they had been put into the shelves with a ruler to make sure not one was poking out farther than the others.

_Wow,_ Holtzmann thought to herself, she had seen her share of people obsessed with order and cleanliness during her semesters at Columbia, but this was a new, so far unknown level; the office desk she finally focused on was just as perfectly organized and clean as the rest of the room, and the woman sitting behind it, hands folded on the spotless blotter, was just as immaculate, not a hair out of place.

“Dr Gilbert”, Holtzmann more said than asked, taking in the woman’s looks as unobtrusively as she could – _Wow, she’s cute, but oh dear, where did she get that blazer and shirt combo, from her Grandma? –_ “I’m Jillian Holtzmann, your new assistant?”

“Yes, yes”, Dr Gilbert gave back, rising from her seat to greet her, and as she held out her hand, Holtzmann noticed that it was trembling, not much, just enough to let her pick up on it – she was more observant than people usually gave her credit for, people who took one look at her rather eccentric dressing style and wrote her off as an oddball, “nice to meet you, um, Miss Holtzmann.”

_Guess I’m not the only one who’s nervous,_ Holtzmann thought to herself as she shook the offered hand, making sure to not grip too tightly, and even managing a slight smile at being referred to as “Miss”.

“Just Holtzmann is fine”, she let the elder woman know, earning a raised eyebrow; she wondered if she had blown it already with that, but didn’t take it back, dropping down onto the chair in front of her new boss’ desk instead, realizing a second too late that the seat hadn’t been offered.

_Well, getting up again would make it even more weird,_ she then decided, fighting the urge to prop her feet up on the desk – Erin looked tense enough as it was, and Holtzmann doubted this would be received well,          and thus kept her feet on the floor, unable though to stop her leg from bouncing with nervous energy as the elder woman took in her appearance.

“Well”, Erin finally broke the silence, just when it started to get uncomfortable, “welcome… I guess? You might be happy to hear that working as my RA won’t take up much of your time, I’m quite well… organized and technically don’t really need an assistant. As it is though…”

She trailed off and shrugged, and Holtzmann realized at once what she wasn’t saying – just like she had been more or less forced to take this job, apparently, this professor had been forced just as much to give said job to her, and she doubted that Erin was happy about the situation.

“I’m sure you can find stuff for me to do”, she said, just in case this was some weird way of testing her, of trying to find out if she was committed to this job or was hoping to breeze through it easily, “hey, you can give me all the stuff you don’t like to do.”

Erin gave her a small, somewhat tight smile at this, and a brief nod; then, she pointed out the office desk she’d readied for her in the corner, letting her know that she could use it for the work she’d have for her, and that she could do her own work there, too, if there was nothing Erin could give her to do.

“No actual engineering though please”, the redhead added, making Holtzmann smirk slightly, “I’m quite sure that this office isn’t built for the kind of work you do in the lab. You’re in nuclear engineering, right?”

“Yes”, Holtzmann confirmed, suspecting that Erin already knew this, anyway, it had been in the CV which had been given to the professor when she’d been told she’d have to take her on as her assistant, “and no worries, I’ll keep my practical work to the lab. Dr Gorin would have my head if I took it anywhere else, way too unsafe, and she’s big on safety.”

“Ah”, Erin let out, and something about the way her hands folded even tighter on the snow-white blotter told Holtzmann that the professor had the same problem with her mentor many others had – they found her terrifying and intimidating, something the blonde never had been able to understand, having gotten along fabulously with her from day one.

“Well, then”, Erin added, distracting her from these ponderings, opening one of the drawers of her desk and pulling out a stack of files, “you can go through these for me, and summarize them. Um, until the end of the week?”

Holtzmann was quite sure she’d be done by the end of the _day_ , but she just nodded, and took the files from her; Erin gave her another small smile, then apparently dismissed her for now, since she turned towards her computer, the blonde looking at her for a moment longer before she got to work on the files, stealing glances at her new boss every now and then as she wondered how this whole thing would work out.


	2. Chapter 2

“I’m heading out for lunch”, Erin broke the silence in which they both had worked for a few hours, making Holtzmann look up from the bunch of files, “should I bring back anything for you?”

“Thanks, but no”, the blonde replied, with a smile which she hoped was charming – the professor, while dressed like a lady twice her age, really was cute, “I’m meeting Dr Gorin for lunch in about fifteen minutes.”

“Ah”, Erin let out, to Holtzmann’s dismay not smiling back at her, “alright then. Um… enjoy your lunch, I’ll see you later."

Holtzmann nodded, and Erin gave her another brief look before she grasped her purse and headed out; the blonde looked after her for a moment, then focused on her work again, until it was time to leave and meet Dr Gorin.

Her mentor was already waiting for her in front of the engineering lab when she arrived there, and she checked her watch to make sure she was on time; Dr Gorin smirked at her, having noticed her brief glance, and reassured her that she had arrived perfectly on time.

“I just had to step out a bit earlier or I would have whacked Mr North over the head with a screwdriver”, she added dryly, earning a snort from the blonde, “you might be too reckless for your own good at times, Jillian, but he’s just plain thoughtless and there is not much I dislike more.”

Holtzmann just smirked and shrugged, she didn’t like Rowan North much, either, and not just because he truly was thoughtless, but because he was somewhat creepy, as well, more than the other men in Dr Gorin’s group, who by now either ignored her or saw her as “one of the guys”.

“So”, Dr Gorin said as they started to walk to the cafeteria together, “tell me about your new job?”

“Dr Gilbert seems nice enough”, Holtzmann replied with another shrug, holding back a comment about how she found the woman quite pretty, “a bit quiet maybe, and I think she was just as nervous about this as I was when I went to introduce myself. And I’m quite sure she didn’t want an assistant in the first place.”

“She didn’t”, Dr Gorin confirmed, earning a surprised look from the blonde – her mentor told her things she didn’t tell the other students in their group when it was just the two of them, the elder woman pretty much having taken her under her wing, but they hardly ever discussed what Dr Gorin usually referred to as “mindless gossip”, and Holtzmann figured that, however her mentor knew about Erin not wanting an assistant, the information certainly hadn’t been acquired by talking to the woman directly.

“You know I’m not one fond of mindless gossip”, Dr Gorin went on, saying out loud exactly what Holtzmann just had been thinking about, “but when it was decided that you would work for her, I spoke to a few people, just to make sure they aren’t sending you to some horrible person.”

Holtzmann smiled slightly at that, touched by how her mentor was looking out for her; Gorin returned a brief smile, then continued, keeping her voice low now as they reached the cafeteria and she didn’t want anyone around to hear what – or whom – they were talking about.

“She’s managed to avoid getting an assistant so far”, Dr Gorin went on, making Holtzmann raise an eyebrow – usually, professors were glad when they were given assistants, she knew, especially those on tenure track, as Erin apparently was, “but according to the persons I spoke to, Dr Filmore practically told her, no assistant, certainly no tenure. Apparently, proving that one can play nice with others is required, if one wants to be a tenured professor at this fine institution.”

The slight sarcasm in her voice at the last few words made Holtzmann chuckle as they got in line for their lunch; she knew perfectly well that her mentor couldn’t have cared less about getting tenure or not, but she also knew that there were many professors for whom this was the highest goal, and judging from what she had seen of Erin Gilbert so far, the physicist was one of those.

“I hope she never has to visit me in the lab”, she told her mentor as she loaded food onto her tray, adding a salad after a stern look from the elder woman, “she’d probably faint on the spot. Seriously, her office is so prim and proper, the chaos in our lab… Well, I don’t think she’d handle it well.”

Dr Gorin gave a slight smile at that, well aware that most of said chaos was caused by Holtzmann herself, but by now having given up on trying to make her more orderly – and she had to admit that the blonde’s chaos was organized, Holtzmann always knowing where everything was, even if her workbench looked as if a bomb had detonated in the middle of it.

“Well, it is unlikely that she will show up in the lab”, the elder woman pointed out as they found a free table and sat down to eat, “and… if she gives you any sort of trouble, you tell me, alright, Jillian? I’ve heard nothing negative about her, except her ongoing refusal to get an assistant, but just in case.”

“Will do”, Holtzmann replied, smiling, well aware that her mentor wasn’t quite as protective of her other students as she was of her; Dr Gorin returned her smile, then changed the topic by asking how her work was going as they started to eat, and if she needed help with any of her projects, Holtzmann for the moment forgetting about her new job as research assistant as they spoke, feeling relaxed and content in her mentor’s company, once more glad that the elder woman had taken her under her wing like that.

* * *

 

When Holtzmann returned to the office, Erin was already back, sitting at her desk and going through what the blonde assumed to be her plan for the class she was going to teach in a while; she glanced up from her papers when Holtzmann entered, and gave her a brief smile, apparently willing to engage in small talk, something she demonstrated by asking her how her lunch had been.

“Oh, it was good, thank you”, Holtzmann gave back, not quite having expected that, but figuring that it couldn’t hurt to be nice to the woman, seeing she’d have to work for her several days a week, “yours?”

“Good too, thanks”, Erin told her, with another small smile, then apparently decided that this was enough small talk for now, since she focused on her work again; Holtzmann went back to her own task, getting done just a few minutes before Erin would have to head out to her class.

“Dr Gilbert?” she thus said, getting up from her seat when the redhead gave her a questioning look, “all done.”

She carried the stack of files and her work over to the other woman’s desk, a bit glad to notice that Erin’s hands weren’t trembling anymore when she took them from her, figuring that the physicist had gotten used to her presence; Erin took a quick look at her work, then nodded, apparently satisfied, and got up from her seat, gathering the papers she’d need for her class.

“I’ll be teaching classes for the rest of the afternoon”, she told the blonde, “so I won’t have anything else to do for you today. I’ll see you on Wednesday?”

Holtzmann nodded, then, to be polite, wished her a good time until then; this apparently surprised the redhead a bit, since she briefly raised her eyebrows, then she smiled and wished her the same before she left the office, Holtzmann smiling to herself after the physicist was gone, all at once quite sure that things would work out and that this job wasn’t so bad after all.


	3. Chapter 3

On Wednesday morning, Erin was just about to head out to class when Holtzmann arrived; she only had time to tell her that she had sent her a few things she needed taken care of to her campus mail address, then she rushed out, gone before the blonde had time to actually process what she had said.

“Well, someone’s in a hurry”, she mumbled to herself after the door had fallen close behind Erin; glad that she had brought along her laptop, she moved to her desk and sat down, humming to herself as she waited for the laptop to boot and to connect with the university’s wi-fi, taking the time to put in her earphones and to start one of her favourite playlists before she took a look at the stuff Erin had sent her.

It wasn’t a lot, and nothing all too difficult, either, and Holtzmann got to work quickly, eager to get done so she could work on her own papers; it took her barely an hour to finish the tasks Erin had given her, and once she had gotten done and had mailed the results back to her, she focused on work for her own classes, barely noticing how much time was passing as she calculated and wrote and listened to her music.

Only after almost two hours, she realized how long she had been working alone in the office, and frowned; she knew how long classes ran, going to more than enough of them herself, and even if she added extra time for students having questions after class and colleagues stopping Erin to talk to her, she figured that the physicist should have come back by now.

_Don’t be ridiculous,_ she then told herself, focusing on her work again, _this is Columbia university, she probably just got held up or something. And it’s none of my business anyway._

Still she kept glancing at the clock on her laptop screen as she worked, not quite sure what to think when another half hour passed until Erin finally came back to the office; the physicist appeared quite relaxed though, and smiled at her as she entered, the blonde only taking this as confirmation that she had been pondering the redhead’s long absence for nothing.

“I got done with the stuff you sent me”, Holtzmann let the other woman know once brief, polite greetings had been exchanged, “and mailed it back to you.”

“Thank you”, the physicist replied, smiling as she moved past the engineer to one of her bookshelves, pulling a book out quickly, without needing to look for it much – a plus, Holtzmann assumed, of having such a well-organized shelf, “I don’t have anything else for you today, so you can do your own work here or go to the lab. Whatever you prefer.”

“I’ll do some of my theoretical stuff here, then”, Holtzmann decided, not liking this part of her studies much, but knowing that it had to be done – Dr Gorin might give her more leeway than most of her other students, but not even she could get away with ditching all of the theory.

Erin nodded, and started to move back to her desk; and just when she was next to Holtzmann’s desk, the book slipped out of her grasp and hit the floor, both Erin and the blonde bending down at the same time to pick it up, nearly bonking their heads together.

“Sorry”, Erin said with a little giggle, her face quite close to Holtzmann’s, the younger woman noticing at the same time how minty fresh her breath smelled and how blue her eyes were, “I’m so clumsy sometimes. But at least we didn’t hit our heads, huh.”

“Yeah, that might have hurt”, the blonde gave back, trying to ignore how warm it was making her feel that she basically had felt Erin’s breath on her cheeks when the redhead had spoken; she always had liked redheads, and that Erin was quite beautiful didn’t help, Holtzmann clearing her throat as she sat up straight again, hoping that the physicist hadn’t noticed.

The last thing she needed now after all, she thought to herself, if Erin noticed that Holtzmann found her attractive, started to feel uncomfortable around her and fired her; after all, she needed this job to keep her scholarship, and she knew that she wouldn’t be able to afford the university without that.

Clearing her throat, she gave her best to not look as if she found the redhead very appealing, focusing hard on her laptop; apparently though, Erin hadn’t noticed anything, as she moved on to her desk without a comment or even a weird look at the blonde, silence filling the office again, the only sounds being the typing of both women as they worked.

“Urch”, Holtzmann broke the silence after a while, glaring at her screen; the noise prompted Erin to look up from her own work with a raised eyebrow, and as she noticed the redhead’s look, Holtzmann sighed, briefly pushing up her glasses to rub at her eyes before she answered the unspoken question.

“I’m really not a big fan of paperwork”, she told the physicist, putting her glasses back on, “especially not of all that theoretical stuff. I’m more of a hands-on person.”

“Can I help?” Erin wanted to know, to the blonde’s surprise, “I know we’re not exactly in the same field, but if you’re stuck on something theoretical… Well, I have a few minutes I can spare to take a look.”

“That would be very kind of you”, Holtzmann decided to just roll with this after a moment – pretty much the last thing she had been expecting from Erin was an offer to more or less help with her homework, but she knew how brilliant the woman was in her field, having been told just about that by Dr Gorin, and knew it would be stupid to shoot such an offer down.

“It’s no problem”, Erin reassured her, getting up from her seat and moving to stand behind her; as she leaned forward to look at the screen, she put one hand on Holtzmann’s shoulder, and the blonde momentarily froze, having expected this even less than the offer of help.

She had guessed that Erin Gilbert was many things, but “touchy-feely” certainly hadn’t been one of them.

“Oh, this is very good work”, the physicist said after just having looked at the monitor in silence for a while, never taking her hand off Holtzmann’s shoulder, “is this all yours?”

“Yup”, the student gave back, feeling quite proud at hearing this from someone who was considered an asset to her field and a genius, “but this one part here gives me a bit of trouble…”

She pointed it out the equation she was having trouble with, and Erin leaned closer to the screen, her hand shifting a bit on Holtzmann’s shoulder, but not moving away from it; the touch made her feel oddly warm, and she gave her best to not let it show, reminding herself again that the last thing she needed was that Erin realized she was attracted to her and would started to feel uncomfortable around her.

Holtzmann had not the slightest problem with Erin – or anyone, for that matter – knowing she was gay, well aware that it would have been quite difficult for her to hide it, anyway; there was a difference though between letting Erin know about her sexuality and actually letting her know she found her attractive, and so, she kept her gaze firmly on the screen, giving her best to not look at the physicist.

“Oh”, Erin let out a minute later, “I think I know where you made a mistake. Um, a little one, it can be easily fixed, may I…?”

She made a vague gesture at the chair, and Holtzmann let out a vaguely agreeing noise as she got up; Erin smiled at her, then sat down and quickly corrected the mistake she’d found, explaining to Holtzmann what exactly she’d done wrong and how it could be fixed easily, the blonde grumbling to herself when she realized that it had been a rather dumb mistake to make and could have been easily avoided.

“Thanks, Dr Gilbert”, she sighed out once Erin had gotten done and was raising from the seat again, “that was really helpful.”

“Just call me Erin”, the redhead replied, moving her hand to her shoulder again and giving it another brief squeeze; and while Holtzmann was still somewhat stunned about that, having expected this as little as the physicist being so touchy-feely with her, Erin moved back to her desk and sat down, returning to her work without another word, appearing completely unaware of the surprised way Holtzmann was staring at her.


	4. Chapter 4

Thursday was devoted to work in the lab, and so, Holtzmann didn’t see Erin during that day; she only showed up at the physicist’s office again on Friday after a class early in the morning, the redhead looking tired as Holtzmann entered, but smiling a bit at her nonetheless.

“Good morning”, Holtzmann said, smiling much brighter, speaking on as she moved to her desk and put her bag down on it, “you got anything you need done urgently? If not, I was gonna get some coffee first, shall I bring you one, too? You look like you might need it.”

For a second, just long enough for Holtzmann to notice, there was a flash of what could only be described as pure, undiluted panic on Erin’s face; it was gone as fast as it had appeared though, and Erin smiled and nodded, telling her that this would be very nice.

“How do you take yours?” Holtzmann wanted to know, not wanting to get her a coffee she wouldn’t like; Erin told her “bit of milk and one sugar”, and while “bit of milk” wasn’t all too precise, the blonde figured she’d be able to get it right, nodding and smiling as she let Erin know that she’d be right back.

The physicist smiled back at her, even though it was a tiny and held-back smile, especially compared to the ones she had given her the previous time they had worked in this office together; the redhead seemed a bit more reserved than she had that day, as well, Holtzmann frowning to herself as she walked to the nearest little kitchen and pondered this.

It had surprised her that Erin had been so oddly open and even touchy-feely the other day, and judging from how the physicist was acting today, her first assumption that the woman was rather reserved had been correct; this didn’t explain why the redhead had acted so differently after her class on Wednesday though, Holtzmann’s frown deepening as she reached the kitchen and made her way to the coffee machine.

Perhaps, she thought to herself, she was overthinking things again, not quite sure why she would care so much about how Erin acted or didn’t act; she found the physicist quite attractive, that was a given, but that still was no reason to worry about a change in behaviour like that, as the blonde knew perfectly well.

_Jesus, Holtzmann_ , she then thought to herself while she filled two cups with coffee, adding a generous portion of sugar to her own, glad that Dr Gorin wasn’t around to see as her mentor always commented on how she would kill herself with this sooner or later, _yeah, she’s cute, but you have got to stop thinking about every little thing she does and doesn’t do. Just do your work and do it well so she’ll be happy until this semester is over._

She wasn’t quite sure if her work as research assistant truly would end along with the semester – the dean had said it would, but Gorin had warned her that, if the professor made a good case, the students often ended up doing the job longer than that – but for the moment, she didn’t mind the thought much; she hadn’t been working for Erin long, and already thought too much about the woman as it was, but she figured that it could have ended much worse for her.

_You could have ended up working for some creepy old geezer who stares at your breasts all day,_ she thought to herself as she carefully picked up the two mugs, then made her way back to the office, Erin fully focused on her work when she re-entered, barely looking up when Holtzmann put the cup down onto her desk.

“Thank you”, she mumbled, somewhat distractedly; the blonde told her it was no problem, not quite sure if Erin even had heard her, then sat down at her desk and, since Erin apparently had nothing for her to do, started on her own work, getting quite a bit done in the time both Erin and she were fully focused, until the physicist, almost an hour later, stopped typing and got up from her seat, stretching before she finished the last few sips of coffee left in her mug.

“I have a class to teach now”, she told Holtzmann, earning a brief nod from the blonde, “by the time I’ll be back I imagine you’ll be gone?”

“Yeah”, Holtzmann gave back after a glance at her watch, “I got a class of my own at two so… Have a good weekend? Hey, you gonna be at that faculty get together today? Dr Gorin is taking me along to meet some old friend of hers, so if you’re there, too, we might run into each other.”

“I’ll be there”, Erin gave back, even though she didn’t look as if she was looking forward much to it; Holtzmann smiled at her as she said “Excellent”, the redhead giving her a small smile in response while she took hold of the papers she’d need for her class.

“I’ll see you there, then”, she then said, “have a good day until then.”

“You too”, Holtzmann gave back, earning another small smile; then Erin headed out while the blonde went back to work, until she had to get to her class, satisfied with the progress she had made as she packed up and hurried to the lecture hall.

* * *

 

To Holtzmann’s relief, Dr Gorin wasn’t the only one who had brought a protégé along to the event, a few people her age trailing along behind the professors who hadn’t taken them there; she spotted Erin fairly quickly as she followed Dr Gorin through the room to the bar, the physicist talking to a professor Holtzmann had seen around a few times, but whose name she couldn’t remember, the redhead taking a sip of her wine glass every now and then while the elder man talked.

Erin didn’t look all too thrilled to be speaking to the man, and for a moment, Holtzmann considered rescuing her; then, she remembered why Dr Gorin had taken her along, and realized that speaking to the woman her mentor wanted to introduce her to was more important than getting the physicist out of that small talk, trailing along behind the elder woman when Dr Gorin spotted the person she’d been talking about.

“Dr Yates”, she greeted, making the smaller brunette turn from the man she had been talking to and look at her, “hello. This is the student I was telling you about, Jillian Holtzmann.”

“Nice to meet you”, the woman smiled, shaking Holtzmann’s hand, “Dr Abby Yates. Just Abby is fine. Dr Gorin tells me you’re in nuclear engineering?”

“Yes”, Holtzmann confirmed, “nice to meet you, too. Dr Gorin said you worked on some next level projects involving lasers?”

“Yes”, Abby was the one to confirm this time, looking pleased that Holtzmann knew about her work; she started explaining what exactly she was doing, the blonde listening with interest, quickly warming up to the woman and to her ideas, Dr Gorin excusing herself after a few minutes, giving them some time to talk alone.

They did just that, for almost an hour, taking a quick liking to each other; Abby looked almost regretful when she told Holtzmann that she had to move on and speak to some other people now, handing her a business card before she did just that though, smiling warmly at her while the blonde put the card into her pocket.

“Give me a call in case you feel like having another talk like this one”, she said, “or if you’re ever looking for a job. I feel like we would make a great team.”

“Agreed”, Holtzmann smirked, shaking Abby’s hand once more before the brunette strolled away; the blonde looked after her for a moment, then glanced around, searching for Dr Gorin or someone else she knew – and spotting Erin at the bar moments later, frowning to herself as the physicist sat at the bar alone, a glass of what appeared to be whisky in front of her.

Even though Holtzmann had told herself that she shouldn’t bother and think about the redhead so much, something about her expression made the blonde feel bad for her; she wondered how long Erin had been sitting there on her own, and as she watched, the physicist emptied her glass, the barkeep refilling it without a word from her, Holtzmann frowning to herself as she observed, getting the feeling that there was something she was missing, not quite sure what it might be and how it would influence her work for the physicist, should she ever find out.


	5. Chapter 5

Over the weekend, Holtzmann found her thoughts drift to Erin every now and then as she spent time in the lab and at her home, working on her projects and papers; she made good progress on all of them, and rewarded herself by going out Saturday night, ending up at a girl’s apartment from where she snuck out early in the next morning, never having been one to stick around for breakfast after a one night stand.

Due to her activities over the weekend, she felt quite relaxed and good when she went to Erin’s office Monday morning; it became apparent at first glance though that Erin felt the exact opposite, pale and with dark rings beneath her eyes, and wincing when Holtzmann said “Good morning!” just a bit too loud.

“Morning”, she then mumbled, rubbing her temples, Holtzmann giving her a look of concern, wondering if the physicist was coming down with something, “could you keep it down today? I’m not… feeling very well.”

“Poor you”, Holtzmann showed sympathy, “can I get you anything? A coffee or, I dunno, some medicine?”

“Coffee would be nice”, Erin gave back after a moment, “and maybe something against headaches. I thought I’d have some Aspirin in my desk but apparently, I used that up.”

“I got some in my bag”, Holtzmann told her, smiling a bit at the undiluted relief on Erin’s face, “I’ll get you some coffee and water, be right back.”

“Thank you”, Erin sighed, lowering her hands even though she looked as if she’d rather would have kept them at her temples, “you’re a life saver. I know this isn’t part of your job description, so…”

“Never mind about that”, Holtz gave back with a little wave of her hand; Erin managed a weak smile, and the blonde promised her she’d be quick before she hurried outside, making her way to the kitchen, glad that there was coffee ready, the blonde remembering well how Erin took hers, quickly preparing two cups and finding a bottle of water in the fridge before she walked back to the office.

“There you go”, she said once she was back, putting the coffee and the bottle down on Erin’s desk, “just let me find that painkiller now, then you’re hopefully good to go.”

Erin nodded – something she regretted quickly, as it sent a lance of pain through her head – then watched how Holtzmann dug through her bag; it didn’t take her long to find the aspirin, and she smiled at how relieved Erin looked when she handed the small bottle to her.

“Thank you, again”, the physicist said with a small sigh, hurriedly gulping down two of the round white pills with the water, then practically clutching the coffee cup, momentarily closing her eyes as she willed the painkiller to kick in quickly.

“If you have nothing I can do for you today”, Holtzmann said, making the physicist open her eyes again so she could look at her, “I can do some work in the lab? So you have peace?”

“Not to be rude”, Erin gave back, thankful for the offer, “but I’d appreciate that, I’m really not… feeling very well.”

“No problem at all”, Holtzmann reassured her, smiling, “there’s always something to do in the lab, honestly, I’d work through the nights if Dr Gorin would let me. If you need anything after all, just call there, alright? You want me to leave the painkillers here?”

“Yes please”, Erin sighed, blushing a bit, “I’ll reimburse you for them of course, wait…”

“Nah”, the blonde dismissed with a casual wave of her hand, prompting Erin to stop the search for her wallet she had begun, “never mind that, we have a whole stash at the lab, we’re all quite the accident-prone young students. To Dr Gorin’s endless exasperation.”

At this, Erin smiled weakly, earning a much brighter grin from Holtzmann; then, the student told her she hoped she’d feel better soon before she gathered up her bag, earning another “thank you” from the redhead, smiling at her once more before she headed out.

She whistled to herself as she made her way to the engineering lab, quite glad that she’d get to spend the day there after all – working for Erin wasn’t exactly taxing, and she didn’t mind it as much as she had thought she would, but she much preferred her work in the lab, and having an extra day there would certainly be good for her progress on her various projects.

Dr Gorin looked somewhat surprised at her entrance, but knew better than to assume that Holtzmann simply had decided to ignore her job; she gave her a questioning look, and the blonde shrugged, putting her bag on the nearest chair before she went to her workbench.

“Dr Gilbert isn’t feeling well”, she explained as she readied her tools, “so I offered to give her some peace and quiet. We both know I’m many things, but peaceful and quiet are not in that collection.”

At this, Dr Gorin smirked slightly, and nodded; Holtzmann grinned back to her, then got started on her work, soon forgetting everything around her as she focused on welding and soldering and building, not even noticing how time flew by as she got lost in her work.

* * *

“Don’t stay too long, Jillian”, Dr Gorin warned her as she got ready in the later afternoon to leave; Holtzmann nodded, barely registering that it was shortly after five p.m. – her work was going so well, and she wanted to finish up the part she’d gotten started on an hour ago, figuring she might as well use the extra lab time the best she could, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She kept working, mumbling a goodbye as her mentor left; and even though Dr Gorin had told her not to stay too late, she soon got lost in her work again, not noticing how another two hours went by.

Then, she heard the door to the lab open, and paused, frowning as she looked up at the clock mounted to the wall; it was too late for some other student to show up, she figured that Gorin had been gone too long to let her realize she had forgotten something, so it could only be someone who didn’t really have any business being there at this hour.

_Or it’s the janitor,_ she then realized, still taking hold of a pipe just in case – there had been some chemistry students who had tried to prank them not too long ago, and Holtzmann wasn’t willing to let them mess with their stuff again, her grip on the pipe tightening as she heard footsteps approach, the soft _click-click-click_ of high heels telling her it certainly wasn’t the janitor.

Then, the person came into view, and Holtzmann found herself surprised, not having expected to see her in this place at all.

“Dr Gilbert”, she greeted, unable to hide her surprise as she put the pipe down on the desk quickly, hoping Erin hadn’t noticed it; if she had, she didn’t let it show, simply smiling at the engineering student, slowly walking closer, Holtzmann, despite her surprise, taking note of how deliberately the redhead was moving, as if she had to think about every single step she was taking.

“Holtzmann”, she said, the blonde frowning a bit as something about the way the physicist said her name was a bit off, just enough to let her notice, “I told you to call me Erin, didn’t I.”

“Um, yes”, Holtzmann gave back, swallowing heavily when the redhead reached up and took hold of one of the lapels of her shirt, smiling at her, “um… are you okay Dr… Erin? You seem… different.”

“Just fine”, Erin reassured her, the blonde’s eyes widening behind her yellow tinted glasses when the physicist’s hand slid up until it came to rest in the back of her neck, “don’t act so surprised, Holtzmann. I’ve noticed the way you look at me.”

“Um”, Holtzmann just had time to let out, and having a second to wonder if she really had been that obvious – and then Erin’s mouth was on hers, her eyes going wide again at how aggressively the physicist was kissing her, the other woman’s hand at the back of her neck not allowing her to pull away.

Not that she had wanted to… at least not at first, for the first few seconds. Then, she tasted the whiskey on Erin’s tongue, and realized what was going on, why the redhead had been walking so oddly and why she had sounded a bit off.

“Erin”, she said as she pushed the physicist back, “you’re drunk! You don’t know what you’re doing.”

“I know perfectly well what I am doing”, Erin gave back, trying to pull her closer again, Holtzmann giving her best to resist without accidentally hurting her, “come on Holtzmann, don’t tell me you don’t want this.”

“Not like this”, the student replied at once, earning a pout from the other woman, “not when you’re… like you are now.”

“Oh please”, Erin gave back, with a dismissive wave of her free hand, the other still at Holtzmann’s neck, “what do you care, it’s just a one night stand.”

She tried to kiss her again, but this time, Holtzmann was prepared, stopping her by pressing both hands against her shoulders; Erin frowned, clearly not having expected this rejection, her gaze darkening, then filling with anger, the slur in her voice coming through stronger when she spoke up again.

“Don’t be so noble”, she said, but, to the student’s relief, pulling her hand back, that relief not lasting long though at what Erin said next, “let’s just do this and be done with it, or I might have to fire you, that would be bad for your scholarship, no?”

“You should go”, Holtzmann replied flatly, not having expected this at all; she knew that people often acted drastically different when they were drunk, but she hadn’t expected this from Erin at all, and was oddly disappointed by the woman’s behaviour.

“Fire me if you want”, she added, turning back to her project, “working for you would be super awkward after this anyway.”

She almost expected Erin to make another grab for her, feeling the other woman’s eyes on her back; then, to her relief, the physicist turned and walked away from her, Holtzmann refusing to look until she heard the door fall close, shoulders slumping in relief as she ran a shaky hand through her hair, asking herself how she should look Erin in the eye the next day.


	6. Chapter 6

In the next morning, Holtzmann almost considered simply not going to Erin’s office, even though she knew she couldn’t avoid her forever; and so, she decided that it’d be better to face the music, and maybe get fired, figuring that she’d talk to Dr Gorin afterwards and that her mentor would help her get out of this mess.

Now that she’d had time to think about it, she had realized that quite likely, this wasn’t the first time Erin had gotten that drunk; and now that she’d had time to think about it, she remembered all the small clues, from the shaking hands which suddenly had stopped shaking to Erin drinking alone at the faculty get together to the physicist staying away longer than it had been reasonable after her lecture and acting so strangely when she finally had come back.

She knew that she didn’t have quite enough proof to decide that Erin had a drinking problem, but somehow, she still was sure that this was just what was going on, and even though she barely knew the woman, it made her feel bad for her.

And so, she went to Erin’s office, not bothering to knock, but entering at once; to her surprise and slight worry, she found the room empty, the computer was off and the bag she had seen Erin use the past days as nowhere to be seen; these were all clues that the physicist wasn’t there, but Holtzmann knew that this didn’t mean she hadn’t come to work at all – after all, she possibly was teaching a class first thing in the morning.

Still, she worried, and so, she quickly booted up her own laptop, and checked the online schedule; there was no class the professor had to teach until the afternoon, and that was just another indicator that Erin simply hadn’t shown up for work.

_What if she didn’t make it home okay,_ she thought to herself, her concern only growing; despite how Erin had acted the previous night, she still was attracted to the older woman, and she thought to herself that it wasn’t fully Erin’s fault, not if she truly did have a drinking problem, aware of how alcohol could change someone when consumed in too high a quantity.

Figuring she might as well use the physicist’s phone, she called the lab, glad when it was Dr Gorin who took the call; keeping what had happened the previous night as vague as possible, Holtzmann told her what had happened and that Erin wasn’t around, telling her mentor that she was worried, feeling quite relieved when immediately, Dr Gorin suggested that perhaps, she should check at Erin’s apartment.

“Just to make sure she got home safe”, the elder woman added, “I’ll get you her address, give me two minutes.”

“Alright”, Holtzmann gave back, grateful and relieved that her mentor hadn’t told her she was overreacting and should leave the redhead be; and one and a half minutes later, Dr Gorin was back on the line and gave her the address, the engineer scribbling it down on the notepad from Erin’s drawer, putting the paper safely in her pocket as she thanked her mentor and told her she’d let her know how things had gone.

“Good”, Dr Gorin gave back, “and take care, Jillian.”

“Will do”, Holtzmann promised, then ended the call; at least, she thought to herself, Erin lived fairly close to Columbia, close enough that she could walk there and neither had to spend money on a cab, nor get annoyed by masses of people in the subway, feeling a bit better now that she was doing something about the situation, packing her laptop up again before she headed out, glad that she knew that shortest way to the professor’s apartment.

Still she had to walk almost twenty minutes until she reached the apartment building Erin lived in; just when Holtzmann began to realize that she might have to ring at the front door, and maybe not be let in, she was lucky, someone leaving the building and giving her the chance to slip in before the heavy door fell close again.

“Apartment 4b”, she mumbled to herself, not bothering with the elevator; said apartment was only on the second floor, anyway, and she took in a deep breath before she knocked, figuring that a possibly shrill doorbell might not be the best for the hangover Erin surely was suffering from.

The apartment behind the door stayed silent, and Holtzmann’s worry grew again; she knocked once more, and this time, footsteps came up after a few seconds, slow ones, but approaching the door – and then Erin opened, and Holtzmann’s worry reached new heights.

It was more than obvious that Erin indeed was hungover, and that she hadn’t had a very good night after she had left the lab; her skin was dreadfully pale, almost as white as the wall behind her, dark rings beneath her eyes, and Holtzmann was quite sure she was holding on the door so she wouldn’t keel over and perhaps to also hide the shaking of her hands.

“Holtzmann”, she brought out, making it clear that she hadn’t expected her to show up at all; and before Holtzmann could say something, she lowered her head and pressed her free hand against her mouth, the student’s heart clenching up when a strangled sob came from the other woman.

“Oh no, no, no”, Holtzmann said, panicking a bit, not sure what to do, “don’t cry, please, I’m just here to make sure you—”

“I’m sorry”, Erin interrupted her, still sobbing, “I’m so sorry Holtzmann, I never should have… I don’t know what I was thinking, I’m so sorry. Please, I…”

She fell silent and her eyes widened; and when she clapped her hand in front of her mouth and turned and ran, Holtzmann knew at once what was happening, hurriedly following her, not even bothering to close the door behind herself when she heard the professor puke from what she hoped was the bathroom.

As it turned out, it was, Erin kneeling in front of the toilet when Holtzmann caught up with her; without a word, the blonde knelt down next to her and held her hair back with one hand, rubbing her back with the other, feeling bad for the physicist again when she felt her shudder beneath her touch.

“There, there”, she said, not sure what else she could say, knowing she couldn’t really make this better; finally, the vomiting stopped, and Holtzmann got up, quickly wetting a washcloth with cold water before she knelt down next to Erin again, carefully wiping her forehead and cheeks, giving her what she hoped was a reassuring smile when Erin looked at her quite miserably.

“Why are you so nice to me”, Erin mumbled before the younger woman could say something, “after how I treated you last night? You should be with Dr Filmore right now and tell him what I did. Or you should yell at me. Not hold my hair back while I throw up.”

“You got drunk and you messed up, it happens”, Holtzmann replied with a shrug, earning a look of disbelief from the other woman, “and, no offense, but judging from how you look, your hangover is punishment enough.”

“God, I feel awful”, Erin mumbled, fighting the urge to rest her head against the cool porcelain of the toilet, “and not just from the hangover. I can’t believe I tried to blackmail you into sleeping with me, I’m truly sorry Holtzmann…”

“It’s alright, Dr Gilbert”, Holtzmann reassured her, suddenly not sure anymore if Erin actually still would be fine with having her address her by her first name, and thus going for the safer option, “no hard feelings. Though I have to say, I was quite surprised.”

“Urch”, Erin let out, running a shaky hand down her face, “again, I’m so sorry. And you can call me Erin, like I said… unless you’re not comfortable with that anymore after what happened.”

“It’s fine, Erin”, the blonde told her, smiling reassuringly, earning a weak smile in response, “you want me to get you anything? Water or I dunno, coffee, tea?”

Erin shook her head and came to her feet, something she regretted quickly though as the world started to spin around her; Holtzmann quickly grabbed her around the waist to steady her, and without thinking, the professor slumped against her, burying her face in the younger woman’s shoulder as she took deep and controlled breaths in an attempt to keep herself from throwing up yet again.

“There, there”, Holtzmann said again, rubbing her back, “maybe you should lie down a bit? I can give you some peace and quiet, I just wanted to make sure you got home okay yesterday…”

“You’re too nice”, Erin told her, finally pulling back, blushing a bit at how close she had gotten to the blonde – _again_ , her mind unnecessarily reminded her, _you gonna push your tongue into her mouth again, too?;_ Holtzmann didn’t seem to mind much though, giving her another smile, the physicist smiling back after a moment.

“Thank you for checking on me”, she then said, not wanting to take up any more of Holtzmann’s time than she already had, especially not after how she had acted the previous evening, “and you’re right, I really should get some rest. I’ll be back at work tomorrow, I’ll see you then…?”

Holtzmann could tell how relieved Erin was when she nodded, answering the unasked question if she’d still work for her; she gave the physicist another smile, then told her to give her a call if she’d need anything, letting Erin know that she’d write her cell phone number down for her before she’d leave.

“Thank you”, Erin sighed, touched by how willing to help her the younger woman was, “that is very kind of you. Especially after what I did and said yesterday evening.”

“Stop worrying about that, please”, Holtzmann told her, earning another weak smile, “I told you, it’s okay. You’re officially forgiven, alright? I’ll see you tomorrow unless you call, and please do in case you need something.”

Erin nodded, even though she already was telling herself she wouldn’t call, not wanting to make use of Holtzmann like that after the blonde had forgiven her for what had happened and after she had checked in on her despite her horrible behaviour; she managed another weak smile at the blonde, then retreated to her bedroom, the younger woman still taking the time to write down her phone number on the notepad in the kitchen before she left and headed back to the university, glad that Erin was mostly okay and that things were fine between them again.


	7. Chapter 7

“So Dr Gilbert made it home alright?” Dr Gorin asked as Holtzmann entered the lab, the blonde briefly glancing around to make sure it was just her mentor and her – she really didn’t want to expose the professor like this to the men working in that lab – then nodding, sighing as she put her bag down onto her workbench.

“She did”, she then confirmed, once she could be sure no one else but Gorin and her was around, “but she’s got one hell of a hangover. She apologized for what happened and she’s gonna be back tomorrow.”

“Good”, Dr Gorin replied, only to make the engineering student grimace with what she said next, “but you should speak to her, and suggest that she gets some help. I’m not sure what she did the previous night, and don’t worry, I’m not going to ask, but from what you told me, it sounds like this isn’t the first time she crashes like this.”

“Probably not”, Holtzmann sighed, running one hand through her hair, “but I’m not quite sure how to bring this up? She might not be aware she actually has a problem.”

“Most likely not”, her mentor told her, making her frown, “not at first, at least. If you’d like, I can come with you when you speak to her, I might be able to give some… support. And insights.”

“Thank you”, Holtzmann gave back, touched – it wasn’t as if Dr Gorin had any reason to care about Erin, apart from, perhaps, her student’s obvious liking for the professor, “but… I’m not sure that is a good idea? She’s kinda… scared of you.”

“Many in this fine institution are”, Dr Gorin replied dryly, “but that might be beneficial in this case, it might make her more willing to listen.”

“Or she might clam up instead”, the student pointed out, her mentor having to admit that she was right, “thanks, but… I think I want to talk to her alone first. I’ll let you know in case I do need help.”

“Okay”, Dr Gorin nodded after a moment, “if this is what you prefer. But do promise you will come to me if you need help, alright?”

“Will do”, Holtzmann promised, earning a brief smile, a rare gesture from the elder woman, “thanks, Dr Gorin.”

“No problem”, her mentor reassured her, then gestured at her workbench, “shall we get to work then now?”

Nodding, Holtzmann began to show her the progress she had made on her work; and soon, she got lost in her projects again, but this time, she couldn’t completely forget about Erin and her worries for the professor, thoughts of how bad the redhead had looked when she had checked on her and of how distraught Erin obviously had been always lurking at the far back of her mind.

* * *

Just as Erin had said, she was back at work in the next morning, already in the office when Holtzmann arrived there; she looked much better than she had when the younger woman had surprised her at her home, even though Holtzmann could tell at once that Erin was still embarrassed about what had happened, judging from the way she blushed a bit when the blonde entered with a cheerful “Good morning”.

“I brought coffee”, Holtzmann added, in an attempt to show her that there were no hard feelings and that she was completely forgiven for what had happened, “how are you this fine day?”

“Better than I was yesterday”, Erin told her, accepting the paper cup with coffee, “thanks again for… that. And for the coffee.”

“No problem”, Holtzmann reassured her, “glad you’re better. So, um… you get smashed like that often or was that a one-time thing?”

She tried to make it sound light-hearted, but couldn’t quite keep the hint of concern out of her voice; and clearly, Erin had picked up on it, shrugging, winning some time by taking a sip of her coffee before she replied.

“No, I don’t”, she said, and even though she didn’t know the physicist well, Holtzmann suddenly was sure that Erin just had lied, perhaps not fully intentional, but it had been a lie, the engineering student trying hard to sound neutral and maybe even a bit caring when she answered.

“Okay then”, she said, “but… if it does happen… kinda often, maybe you should… I don’t know, look into getting some help?”

She could tell at once that it had been the wrong thing to say, from how Erin’s eyes hardened; and when the physicist replied, her voice was carefully controlled, her hands now folded on the desk in front of her, her tone as cold as her gaze.

“Thank you for your concern, but that is truly not needed”, she stated, Holtzmann fighting the urge to nervously run one hand through her hair, suddenly just knowing that showing that kind of weakness would only make things worse right now, “and I don’t really have anything to do for you today, either. I imagine you have things to do at that lab of yours."

“…fine”, Holtzmann gave back, now feeling herself getting angry – she had only tried to help after all, and this reaction was one she hadn’t been prepared for, “if you insist. And yeah, I always got things to do in the lab.”

“Good”, Erin told her, still in that awful cold tone, “and I suggest you speak to your mentor about a possible transfer. After what you just implied, I don’t think we’d work well together in the future.”

“Fine”, the younger woman said, not bothering to hide her anger anymore, “and just to make sure I didn’t just _imply_ anything, I think you have a fucking drinking problem and I was only trying to help. But if that is what you want, fine. Have a good day, _Dr Gilbert_.”

She practically spat the last two words, and felt darkly satisfied at how Erin flinched in response; then, without giving her the chance to say anything else, she turned and marched out of the office, slamming the door behind herself, fuming as she stomped down the hallway, people looking at her curiously, nobody asking her what had happened though.

If she had gone back to the office and had opened the door without knocking, she would have found Erin at her desk, crying with her head in her hands, but she didn’t, and she had not the slightest idea of the reaction her words had caused.


	8. Chapter 8

When Holtzmann entered the lab, Dr Gorin could tell at once that her talk with Erin hadn’t gone as she had been hoping; the engineering student looked angry and a bit sad, and the way she slumped into her seat after letting her bag drop onto the desk was only another indicator for how upset she was.

“I take it your talk didn’t go well”, Dr Gorin said, earning a grunt from the blonde; figuring that she had to give her best student time, the professor busied herself with looking over one of the projects of another of her students, stopping her work at once though when Holtzmann spoke up again after a few minutes had ticked by.

“She got quite angry at me”, the blonde told her, sighing heavily, “and practically fired me. She told me I should talk to you about a transfer, because after _implying_ that she has a drinking problem, she doesn’t think we’ll work well together anymore.”

“I’ll take care of that for you”, Dr Gorin told her at once, earning a wry smile, “and, if I may be frank with you, Jillian, I was afraid that this might happen. Dr Gilbert is either not aware that she has a problem or is afraid of admitting it to anyone but herself, so she lashed out and made sure that you no longer can keep an eye on her by firing you.”

“Yeah, that makes sense”, Holtzmann sighed, giving her mentor a miserable look, “so long story short, I fucked up, and now she won’t even let me help her. That’s all I wanted…”

“I know”, Dr Gorin gave back, sympathetic, reaching out to briefly touch the younger woman’s shoulder, a big gesture, Holtzmann knew, the professor not all too fond of physical contact, “and I imagine that deep inside, Dr Gilbert does, too. You can only help her though if she lets you, and it seems that at this time, she’s not quite ready for this.”

Holtzmann sighed again, then nodded, figuring that her mentor was right; Dr Gorin gave her a brief, but reassuring smile, then told her she had done the right thing when she had tried to help, earning a doubtful look from the younger woman.

“You did”, Dr Gorin reassured her, “it’s not your fault that she wasn’t ready or willing to accept any help. You did the right thing.”

“Doesn’t feel like it”, the blonde sighed, earning another sympathetic look, “but, well, I guess all we can do now is wait and see. And find me another professor to work for.”

Her mentor gave a brief nod and told her she would take care of this; the engineering student just sighed in response, clearly not happy with the situation, and after another brief, sympathetic touch of the blonde’s shoulder, Dr Gorin went to make a few phone calls while Holtzmann tried to focus on her projects, even though she already knew she wouldn’t be able to get much done, unable to stop thinking of how Erin had reacted to her, and unable to stop wondering if perhaps, there hadn’t been another, better way to do this, and if she had messed up beyond repair.

* * *

For the rest of the day, Erin hadn’t gotten much work done, and had been so distracted during the two classes she’d had to teach that she had missed students asking questions several times; she was glad when the day was finally over and she could go home, and especially glad that she hadn’t ran into Holtzmann again for the rest of her work time there.

It still stung, the things the blonde had said to her, and just thinking of it made her eyes tear up again; telling herself that she at least had to hold it together until she was at home, Erin bravely fought them back each time they threatened to spill, feeling tired and exhausted by the time she arrived at her apartment.

Without thinking, she made her way to the small cabinet in her living room, opening it to reveal several bottles of whisky and wine; without thinking, she grabbed the half empty bottle standing at the very front and moved to the kitchen, already having poured herself a glass by the time she realized what she was doing.

_Someone realizes that you have a drinking problem and the first thing you want to do when you come home is drink?_

With her eyes widening, Erin took a step back from the kitchen counter and the glass on it, the bottle sliding out of her suddenly numb fingers and shattering on the floor; the sharp smell of the alcohol hit her nostrils, and she flinched, then closed her eyes, taking a few deep breaths, trying to ignore how the smell made her hands tremble, how much she wanted this.

_No,_ she strictly told herself, _you have it under control. You know you do. Now clean up this mess you made._

She took another deep breath, then went to find her cleaning utensils; she felt quite forlorn at the whisky she had wasted when she had dropped the bottle, but gave her best to fight that feeling down – certainly, someone who did not have a drinking problem wouldn’t feel that way – and wiped it up to the last drop, then began cleaning the shards, only to yelp in surprise and pain when one of them dug into the soft pad of her thumb.

It was a fairly large shard, too, and Erin’s stomach turned when she looked at the damage and saw the glass stick out of her hand; she grit her teeth as she pulled it out, feeling sick again when blood trickled from the wound and down her arm.

“Good job, Erin”, she mumbled to herself, moving to the sink and using her uninjured hand to get the hot water running; she grit her teeth in pain again when the water burned in the wound, but forced herself to not pull her hand back, holding it under the flow instead until she could be sure it was somewhat clean.

As she turned from the sink, with the intention to walk to the bathroom and get a band-aid, her eyes fell on the glass of whisky she had poured herself before she had dropped the bottle; her mouth went dry within a second, and she licked her lips nervously – until she realized that she was doing, forcing herself to look away and taking in another deep breath.

_Bathroom. Band-aid. Now._

She gave her best to not look at the glass again as she walked to the bathroom and covered the cut up, studiously ignoring the glass when she made her way to the living room, eager to distract herself with some TV – she had nothing to prove to anyone, she told herself, but still, it couldn’t hurt to remain sober for the evening, after all, not drinking for an evening would be a clear sign that she indeed did not have a problem.

As she stepped into the living room, Erin froze, realizing too late that she had left the cabinet door open; and there, the bottles stood, tantalizing, waiting for her, just waiting for her to open one of them and take a few big gulps.

_No,_ Erin strictly told herself, _you’re not going to do this. Pour the stuff down the drain if you have to, but you’re not going to drink a drop tonight._

She wanted to though, she wanted to so badly; her hands shook when she took the bottles from the cabinet and walked back into the kitchen, and as she started to pour them down the drain one by one, she at first didn’t even realize that she had started to cry again, her tears dripping into the sink and mixing with the whisky and wine, not a sound leaving Erin’s lips as she cried though, only a small sniffle coming from her after the last bottle had been emptied over the sink.

Erin finished getting rid of her alcohol stash by pouring the glass of whisky down the drain, as well; then, she walked back to the living room on shaky legs, knowing she had not a drop of alcohol left in her apartment now, the mere thought clenching up her heart, but she was determined to see this through, and told herself that she could do this, there was no problem so it wouldn’t be a problem, her hands still shaking as she turned on the TV and sat down on the couch, trying to keep all thoughts about whisky and wine at bay.


	9. Chapter 9

Holtzmann still felt somewhat grumpy about what had happened with Erin by the time she left the lab and headed home; she had stayed longer again, and would have stayed for a few more hours if Dr Gorin hadn’t more or less kicked her out, telling her in a strict tone that she should go home and get some rest.

She didn’t feel much like doing just that, and briefly contemplated going to her favourite bar instead, for a drink or two and perhaps some female company for the night; she had to be at the university early in the next morning again though, and so ultimately decided against it, figuring that she might just as well spend some time with her Super Nintendo to unwind.

The mere thought of a few hours of Zelda and Super Mario Brothers took some of her grumpiness away already, and by the time she arrived at her small apartment, Holtzmann felt much better; she helped herself to a can of Red Bull from the fridge, downing half of it already on the way from the kitchenette to what was both her living room and her bedroom, then settled into her comfortable armchair after she’d booted up the console and had turned on the TV.

“Alright”, she then said to no one in particular, “time to save the princess!”

She loaded up her latest save, and got ready to battle some pixelated monsters and soldiers of evil; and just then, her cell phone started blaring away in her pocket, prompting her to groan as she hit the pause button and pulled the phone out.

Frowning, Holtzmann peered at the screen, not recognizing the number (the crack across the display didn’t help); briefly, she entertained the thought of just not taking the call, then realized that it could be from Columbia and thus, important, giving her best to sound not as annoyed as she was about the interruption as she took the call and held the phone to her ear. “Holtzmann speaking!”

There was no response, and Holtzmann frowned again, wondering if perhaps, whoever was calling had dialled the wrong number and now had been stunned into silence, trying hard to sound friendly as she said “Hello?” in an attempt to get them to talk.

“…it’s me”, a vaguely familiar, soft voice said, just when Holtzmann was ready to hang up; she didn’t recognize the voice at first and frowned again, but before she could ask who exactly “me” was, the caller clarified, and Holtzmann sat up straight on her seat, not having expected that at all. “Um. Erin.”

“Erin”, Holtzmann repeated, feeling quite stumped, not quite sure what to say; and so, she remained quiet, hearing the professor let out a shaky breath at the other end of the line.

“I’m not even sure why I’m calling you”, Erin then said, Holtzmann quite alarmed when she realized that the physicist sounded as if she was on the verge of tears, “but I didn’t know whom else to call and I… I poured all my drinks down the drain and now I want one so bad but I can’t, I can’t go have one, if I can’t even stay sober for one evening…”

“Erin”, Holtzmann finally managed to interrupt her, fearing that the physicist might end up hyperventilating if she didn’t stop her, “take a breath. You poured your drinks down the drain?”

“Yes”, Erin mumbled, and if the engineer had been able to see her, she would have taken note of how the fingers of her free hand fidgeted nervously, “I… I got really upset about… what you said. So I wanted to prove to myself that there is no problem and poured it all down the drain and now all I can think of is alcohol and… I don’t know… It seemed like a good idea to call you but now I feel like an idiot because why would you care, you don’t know me…”

“It’s good you called me”, Holtzmann told her at once, before she could get the idea to hang up, “and I do care, Erin, I was just trying to help when I brought this up in your office this morning. Okay so, you have no alcohol at home and you want a drink, what you need is a distraction.”

“I tried distracting myself”, the professor let her know, sounding so miserable that it made her heart clench up, “with the TV at first, then with a book, then with work… nothing helped, never for longer than a few minutes…”

“I’ll come over”, Holtzmann decided, smirking at the little noise of surprise she heard from Erin in response, “give me half an hour, alright? I’ll keep that brilliant mind of yours distracted from all thoughts about drinks and bottles as long as necessary, okay?”

“You don’t have to do that”, Erin mumbled, even though she had to admit to herself that she liked the thought of Holtzmann coming to her home, “you surely have better things to do than… this.”

“Nope”, Holtzmann replied at once, to the professor’s surprise, “wouldn’t have offered if I had. Half an hour, okay?”

“…okay”, Erin found herself agreeing before she could overthink this; Holtzmann told her to take care until then, and reassured her that she’d hurry, then hung up, making a brief stop at her DVD collection and in her kitchenette before she hurried out of her apartment and to the subway station, eager to get to Erin’s place as fast as possible.

* * *

Even though she had hurried, Holtzmann was somewhat worried that Erin had given up and gone to the nearest bar by the time she arrived at the professor’s place; to her relief though, the redhead buzzed her in quickly after she had rang at the intercom, and already was waiting at the open apartment door by the time Holtzmann had made it up to her floor.

“Thank you”, she said immediately, not even bothering with a greeting, stepping aside so Holtzmann could enter; the younger woman gave her a smile and said “no problem”, hiding it well that Erin’s appearance had startled her quite a bit – she was pale again, like she had been when Holtzmann had come to her home the first time, her eyes were reddened and her hands were shaking, something she tried to hide without much success by wrapping her arms around herself, looking so miserable that all Holtzmann wanted to do was to give her a long hug and tell her it would be okay.

“I bring distractions”, she said instead, not sure if an embrace would actually be welcome, “a few movies, popcorn, and chocolate. I can run to the store too if you want anything else than that.”

“No, that’s fine”, Erin reassured her, touched – she didn’t really feel like eating anything, her stomach somewhat upset even though she hadn’t had a drop – _Withdrawal,_ a nasty voice whispered in her mind, “again, thank you.”

“Nothing to thank me for”, Holtzmann gave back, letting her lead the way to the living room; once there, they got comfortable on the couch, then the engineer presented the movies she had brought, smiling a bit sheepishly as she explained that she had grabbed one from every genre she’d had, to heighten the chances she’d have one Erin would like.

It didn’t take long for them to choose one, Holtzmann explaining that she liked them all and that she’d leave it up to Erin; and once they had settled on a light-hearted comedy, they got comfortable on the couch, a bowl of popcorn between them, Erin looking a bit more relaxed than she had when Holtzmann had arrived.

She could tell though that Erin was still nervous, her fingers twitching every now and then, even though she seemed focused on the movie; deciding not to comment on it though, not wanting to make the professor feel even more uncomfortable, Holtzmann focused on the movie instead, as well, smiling to herself when she heard Erin giggle next to her at one of the funnier scenes.

By the time the movie ended, the popcorn bowl was empty, and Erin put it onto the living room table; as the credits rolled, she stopped the DVD, then turned to look at Holtzmann, the small smile curling her lips making the blonde’s heart skip a beat as she once more realized how beautiful Erin was, despite the paleness of her skin and the dark rings beneath her eyes.

Their eyes met, and Holtzmann thought back to how Erin had looked at her when she had come to her lab, drunk and daring; she asked herself again now how much had been the alcohol and how much had come from Erin directly, swallowing as she noticed the longing in the physicist’s eyes, not even fully realizing what she was doing as she turned slightly on the couch so she was facing the redhead, her hand coming up to cup the other woman’s cheek.

“Holtzmann”, Erin breathed, and the longing the blonde could still see in her eyes was now in her voice, as well; and even though she knew that this was reckless, and perhaps stupid, too, seeing their positions and what Erin was struggling with, Holtzmann leaned in and kissed her, the small moan the professor let out as their lips met sending a jolt of electricity all through her body.

The kiss deepened fairly quickly, and Holtzmann almost moaned as well when she felt Erin’s tongue run over her own; her hand slid from the professor’s face to entangle in her hair, and Erin hugged her tight in response, pulling her closer, as if she couldn’t have her close enough, breathing heavily when they finally pulled apart again.

“…I’m glad I’m sober this time”, Erin was the one to break the silence, earning a low laugh from the engineering student; she smiled, then pulled her in for another kiss, and for the first time that day, she didn’t think of drinking at all.


	10. Chapter 10

A while later, halfway through the third movie, Erin had fallen asleep, her head resting on Holtzmann’s shoulder as she slumbered soundly; not wanting to wake her, the engineering student gave her best to sit still, not quite sure what she’d do, should Erin still be fast asleep by the time the movie would end.

She figured that Erin could use the rest though, judging from how exhausted the physicist had looked when Holtzmann had arrived at her home; as far as she could tell, her presence and the distractions she had provided had managed to keep Erin’s thoughts away from alcohol, but she knew that this wouldn’t be a solution in the long run, telling herself that she’d have to bring professional help up with Erin again, perhaps in the next day.

As if she had picked up on her thoughts, Erin let out an adorable little snoring noise and stirred, blinking as she sat up, blushing a bit as she realized that she had slept on Holtzmann for almost an hour.

“Think it’s your bedtime”, Holtzmann commented, smiling to show she hadn’t minded; Erin’s blush deepened, but she smiled and nodded, only to start fidgeting again a moment later, prompting the blonde to give her a questioning look.

“Um”, the professor let out, her gaze dropping to the carpet between her feet, “would you mind… staying? I’m not trying to get you into bed or something, I just… I don’t want to be alone.”

“Sure”, Holtzmann reassured her at once, making her look up at her again with a grateful smile, “no problem, I won’t have a class until ten tomorrow so I can go back home after you got up in the morning and change. No walk of shame for me then.”

At this, Erin let out a little giggle, making the younger woman smile; then, the professor leaned in for a brief, but gentle kiss, smiling at her afterwards as she took hold of her hand, giving it a brief squeeze, her voice soft when she spoke up again. “Thank you again, for doing all of this. You had no reason to care, especially not after how I acted, and still you came over… Thank you.”

“No problem”, Holtzmann reassured her, smirking a bit, “it did pay off after all, I mean, there were smoochies.”

“And quite fine smoochies, too”, Erin solemnly replied, earning a snort from the blonde while she nodded; the two smiled at each other, then kissed again, before Erin yawned adorably, Holtzmann simultaneously enamoured and amused by the sight.

“Alright, hot stuff”, she said, the redhead blushing a bit again at being addressed that way, but not contradicting her or telling her she wasn’t fond of being called that, “we better get you into bed, before you fall asleep on me again. Not that I minded.”

“You’re comfy”, Erin told her, cheeks still flushed, but a smile curling her lips, “not my fault it’s so nice to sleep on you.”

“Well, you’ll have a chance for more of that”, Holtzmann let her know, earning another little giggle and a nod; then, Erin told her that she’d find her something she could wear to bed, and not long after, they were getting comfortable in Erin’s thankfully big enough bed, the student wearing an oversized shirt Erin had found for her while the professor had put on a pair of adorable plaid pyjamas.

After a moment of hesitation, not wanting to appear as if she wanted to do more than kiss and cuddle after all, Erin decided that it would be okay to rest her head on the other woman’s shoulder again, reminding herself that Holtzmann had said she didn’t mind; immediately, Holtzmann put both arms around her and pulled her even closer, one hand resting lightly on her waist while the other moved to play with her hair, her voice low when she asked “Okay?”.

“Perfect”, Erin reassured her, sighing afterwards at the feeling of Holtzmann’s hand in her hair; she relaxed quickly, and not long after they had laid down, the professor was fast asleep, Holtzmann following her suit into dreamland, both of them slumbering peacefully through the rest of the night until Erin’s alarm woke them in the next morning.

* * *

For a week after their movie night, everything was perfect.

Holtzmann successfully kept Erin distracted whenever the need for a drink grew too strong, with a seemingly endless supply of things to do and to talk about, and with holding her and rubbing her back when all she wanted was silence and quiet, having an uncanny knack for figuring out when Erin needed what sort of distraction and providing exactly what the professor needed then.

They kept their relationship quiet around campus, neither of them sure how Erin’s colleagues and the dean might react, should they learn that she was dating a student; technically, Holtzmann wasn’t Erin’s student, but she was working for her, the transfer not having happened after all, and so they knew that it might cause trouble for them if what they had became known.

The only person Holtzmann told was Dr Gorin, and while her mentor was clearly concerned that this might not be the best idea, she didn’t try to talk Holtzmann out of it; she just told her to be careful, and to come to her if she needed help with anything, the student reassuring her that she would and that things were going just fine.

And for a week, they were, so perfect that it almost seemed unreal… until Holtzmann went to get Erin for lunch one day, and the found office empty, the computer screen dark, Erin’s purse gone.

For a moment, she could hope that Erin had a class to teach, but she knew her schedule by heart now, and remembered a second later that the professor didn’t have any classes on Tuesday afternoon; the feeling that something was wrong settled in her stomach like a lump of lead, and she ran one hand through her hair, suddenly feeling uneasy and nervous.

Not quite sure what to do, she stepped out of the office again, looked left and right, feeling oddly lost; and just when Holtzmann decided to go back to the lab, Dr Gorin rounded the corner up ahead, looking worried, but a bit relieved when she spotted her.

“Jillian”, the elder woman said, the urgency in her tone only convincing Holtzmann further that something was very wrong, “walk with me. We need to talk somewhere private.”

She led the way to the lab, where they would be alone at this time of the day, closing the door and making sure no one was there indeed before she turned to look at Holtzmann, as always not beating around the bush.

“Someone, I’m not sure who, told Dr Filmore about Dr Gilbert and you”, she said, and Holtzmann paled, “she was called to his office first thing in the morning and got fired. I suggest you find her, and find her quickly, because you surely know how she’ll react.”

“Shit”, Holtzmann swore, profanity Dr Gorin usually wasn’t very fond of, but she let it slide this time; she told the blonde not to worry about her classes and that she’d take care of it instead of commenting on her choice of words, and after thanking her, Holtzmann hurried outside, figuring that one of the bars closest to campus would be a good starting point.

As she walked to the first one as fast as her legs would carry her, she tried to call Erin, not surprised when the professor didn’t take the call; still she tried two more times, then sent a text, even though she already knew that Erin probably wouldn’t answer that, either.

_I know what happened,_ she wrote, perhaps not the most tactful approach, but her frazzled mind wouldn’t allow her to come up with anything else, _please call me Erin, please. Tell me where you are. Let me help. We can fix this._

She sent the text, then put the phone back in her pocket, just as she reached the nearest bar; she poked her head in just long enough to make sure Erin wasn’t there, then hurried on, asking herself what she would do if she couldn’t find her, and how bad Erin might crash if she wouldn’t find her in time.


	11. Chapter 11

Hours later, Holtzmann had given up on her search, and was sitting in front of Erin’s apartment door, not willing to go home until she knew that Erin at least would have made it home okay; the physicist hadn’t reacted to her numerous calls and increasingly desperate texts, and now, mindful of the battery charge the phone still had left, Holtzmann tried to keep busy with one of her textbooks, even though she found it hard to focus.

She wasn’t quite sure what she would do if Erin wouldn’t come home, all too aware she couldn’t sit here all night; she was determined to at least wait a few more hours though, not willing to give up anytime soon.

And so, she sat, and waited; and when her phone rang in her pocket, Holtzmann flinched before she dug it out quickly, hope flashing up, only to fade away again when she glanced at the display and saw it wasn’t Erin calling her, but some unknown number.

“Hello?” she still took the call, hoping that Erin wouldn’t call right this moment; she frowned when an unfamiliar male voice came through the line, sounding a bit confused. “Um, yes, hello? Is this Holtz?”

“Holtzmann, yes”, she confirmed, her frown deepening, only to feel a cold lance of fear in her heart when the man went on in response, sounding a bit less confused now, but slightly relieved.

“Oh, okay, good”, he said, “um, I’m Kevin, from the Flying Pig Bar? We have a lady here who passed out from too much drinking, your number was the last one she called so…”

“Thanks for calling me”, Holtzmann gave back, “and yeah, I know her, but I don’t know your bar. Where is it? I’ll come pick her up.”

Kevin gave her the address in response, and reassured her they’d keep an eye on Erin until she’d arrive; she thanked him, a bit startled by how far the bar was from campus – Erin either had gone there on purpose, so she wouldn’t run into anyone she knew, or she had just wandered aimlessly after her talk with Filmore, and had then entered the first bar she had seen.

“Thank you”, she said once more, then ended the call and hurried out of the apartment building, flagging down a taxi, glad that she got one fairly quickly; she gave the driver the address the barkeep had given her, trying hard to not fidget on the backseat as the cab took her to the bar.

Thankfully, traffic wasn’t too bad, and they made it there fairly quickly; she asked the driver to wait, earning a surprised look before he nodded, and hopped out of the cab, hurrying into the bar, spotting Erin at once, the professor slumped into the corner in one of the booths, a tall and disconcertingly muscular man next to her, talking to her despite her lack of reaction, waving a glass of water around in front of her face.

“Hey”, Holtzmann said as she approached them, the man turning to look at her, “um, you called me? This is my… friend. I’m Holtzmann.”

“Oh, yes”, the man replied, briefly making her pause as he reached through his glasses to rub at his eye, “I’m Kevin, I called you. We tried to get her to drink some water but she’s not really responding, maybe you should take her to the hospital…”

“Erin?” Holtzmann tried to get her to react, Kevin looking surprised when the professor let out a low groan in reply, clearly reacting better to Holtzmann’s voice than she had to his, “Erin, sweetheart. Can you open your eyes for me?”

“Lemme sleep”, Erin slurred in response, grunting when Holtzmann placed a tender hand on her arm; she gave Kevin a pointed look, and he retreated behind the bar, the student focusing on Erin again the moment he was out of earshot.

“You can’t sleep here, sweetheart”, she said, picking up the glass Kevin had left on the table when he had gone back to the bar, “I’ll take you home and you can sleep there, okay? But first, can you drink some of this water for me?”

She almost gave the glass to Erin, then realized that the professor would probably drop it and soak herself; not wanting that to happen, she moved the glass to the redhead’s lips instead, tipping it carefully, relieved when Erin actually drank instead of letting it dribble down her chin.

“Thass not my drink”, Erin then said, looking at the glass as if it tasted foul, “where’s my drink?”

“You’re cut off, honey”, Holtzmann gave back, “I’m going to take you home, alright?”

“…aright”, Erin mumbled, groaning when the engineering student slung one of her arms over her shoulders; she moved the other around Erin’s waist, then manoeuvred her up, hoping that the professor wouldn’t throw up all over her as she slowly led her towards the exit.

“Excuse me!” Kevin interrupted her before they could leave though, “she didn’t pay her last three drinks!”

Holtzmann paused, wondering why they even had served Erin that many, then decided that it was too late to worry about that; she carefully lowered the professor onto the nearest chair, holding back a groan when immediately, Erin’s head slumped forward and her eyes closed.

“How much”, the blonde wanted to know, eyes going wide when Kevin replied with “thirty dollars”; she grumbled about overpriced drinks as she dug out her wallet and paid him, not bothering to give him a tip – perhaps, she thought to herself, she would have given him one if he had thought of cutting Erin off, but he didn’t seem to mind, just smiling a bit dopily as he told her that they could go now.

“Thank you”, Holtzmann replied sarcastically, but judging from Kevin’s smile, the sarcasm was lost on him; she held back another sigh, then had to wake Erin up again, glad that at least this time, the physicist came back around a bit faster.

To the younger woman’s dismay, the cabbie frowned when she helped Erin into the backseat; he waited until Holtzmann had gotten in too, then turned to look at her, not sounding all too friendly when he spoke up.

“I’m gonna drive you, but I’m warning you”, he told the blonde, while Erin let her head drop back against the headrest, “if she throws up, I’m taking a hundred from you for cleaning my cab.”

“She’s not gonna throw up”, Holtzmann gave back, getting annoyed; Erin let out another grunt, her head slumping forward again for a few seconds before she looked back up, reaching for Holtzmann with one hand, missing the student’s at the first try, but managing to take hold of it at the second one.

“I got fired”, she slurred, looking so sad that all of Holtzmann’s annoyance vanished at once, “someone saw us an told Filmore an I got fired. I have no job now.”

“It’s gonna be okay”, Holtzmann gave back, not sure what else to say; she put one arm around Erin’s shoulders and pulled her close, the professor burying her face in the other woman’s neck, and Holtzmann felt nothing but sympathy and guilt when she felt hot, salty tears on her skin a moment later.

“It’s gonna be fine”, she said again, rubbing the other woman’s upper arm and shoulder, “I promise, we’ll figure something out. I’m sorry.”

Erin just kept holding on to her in reply, sniffling quietly until the cab stopped; Holtzmann paid the driver, not all too generous with the tip after the comment he had made, then helped Erin out of the car and led her to her apartment.

“Keys?” she asked once they were in front of the door, “in your purse?”

Erin nodded, still looking desolate, and exhausted now, too; quickly, the engineering student found the keys and unlocked the door, then led her into the bedroom, Erin immediately falling onto the bed there and drifting off into drunk slumber, not even noticing anymore how Holtzmann pulled off her high heels and removed her jacket before she covered her up with the blanket, then made her way into the living room, not willing to leave her alone during the night.


	12. Chapter 12

Erin awoke to lights which were too bright, a mouth which was too dry and a head which hurt too much; as she laid there, willing the sun to go away again, the light hurting even through her closed eyes, she morbidly wondered if she’d ever get used to the hangovers, or if all alcoholics had to deal with those every single time after a binge.

She groaned and rolled over, burying her face in the pillow; embarrassed, she thought back to the moment Holtzmann had appeared at the bar – and how had the blonde even known she’d be there, Erin realized, now that she was sober – and had brought her home, dimly remembering crying on her shoulder in the cab and the cab driver talking about how he’d make her pay a hundred dollars if she’d throw up in the car.

As far as Erin could remember, she hadn’t thrown up, and the fact that there was no taste of bile in her mouth supported that theory; she still would have to ask Holtzmann though, she knew, and perhaps would have to pay her back if she really had thrown up in the cab.

_God, she’s gonna be angry at me,_ Erin thought to herself, keeping her face buried in her pillow and trying to will away her headache and the queasy feeling in her stomach, _for being so weak and embarrassing, maybe she’s even gonna break up with me…_

“Erin?” she heard from the door, and flinched, not having expected Holtzmann to still be there; dully she wondered if the blonde would break up with her right away, tell her that this would be too much of a hassle, tell her that she had better things to do than drag her drunk ass home every time she fell off the waggon.

“Hey”, Holtzmann said with a little smile when Erin dared to turn her head far enough so she could actually look at her, “how’re you feeling?”

“Bad”, Erin groaned, rolling onto her back again, “but that’s my own fault, isn’t it. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be”, Holtzmann told her at once, to her surprise, “here, I brought you some water and aspirin. Figured you might need that.”

“Thank you”, Erin mumbled, sitting up in bed and accepting the glass and the pills, gulping them down quickly before she finished the rest of the water, nervously toying with the glass when she spoke on afterwards. “So, um… I… don’t remember all of it, but… I didn’t throw up in the cab, did I? I remember the cabby saying something about that…”

“You didn’t”, Holtzmann reassured her, taking the glass from her and putting it on the nightstand, then sitting down on the edge of the bed, Erin feeling a tiny bit better when the blonde grasped her hand afterwards, “you didn’t throw up at all, at least not while I was around. You went to sleep pretty much the second we arrived here.”

“I guess that’s something”, Erin sighed, “I’m going to pay you back for the cab ride of course…”

“Never mind about that”, the younger woman replied, with a small wave of her free hand, “that’s not important right now. But… Erin, I know you got quite angry at me the last time I said this, so I’m not sure bringing this up again is a good idea but… you really should consider getting some help. You know I’ll help you any way I can, but… I might make things worse instead of better because I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m in nuclear engineering, not psychology…”

“I know”, Erin gave back with another sigh, her gaze dropping down ono the blanket still covering her, “and I’m not going to get angry at you again. I know I need help.”

Holtzmann squeezed her hand, the physicist looking up at her again in response and giving her a weak smile; for a few moments, there was silence, then Erin spoke up again, sounding pensive now, her tone making Holtzmann wonder if this was the first time she was saying these things out loud.

“You know, I always thought I had it under control”, she said, looking down at her feet now, not even glancing up when Holtzmann squeezed her hand again, “or maybe I should say, I lied to myself about having it under control. And maybe I did have it under control, at first, you know. When I… started.”

“Do you want to tell me?” Holtzmann asked in a hushed, kind tone, not wanting to give her the impression she was judging her in any way, “you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I guess I’ll have to tell the people at rehab, so I might as well practice on you first”, Erin replied with a sigh, earning a smile from the engineering student as her words showed that she pretty much had accepted the idea of having to go to rehab, “it started harmlessly, you know. At least that’s what I like to think. I’ve always had issues with anxiety, panic attacks, and… a bit of wine before important things helped to keep it down. A bit at first, then more, and at some point, I switched to whisky and… I guess it all went downhill from there.”

She sighed again, then finally looked at Holtzmann again, looking so ashamed and guilty that all the blonde wanted to do was hug her, and hold her, and tell her it’d be okay; she sensed that Erin had more to say though, and remained quiet, the professor speaking on after half a minute had ticked by in silence.

“I guess I haven’t had it under control for quite a while now”, she admitted, not only to Holtzmann, but to herself, as well, “which is one of the reasons why I never wanted to have an assistant. I guess part of me knew that whoever they would assign to me, they would realize what was going on, even if I never made the mistake of drinking right there in the office. And well, that is exactly what happened.”

“It’s a good thing though”, Holtzmann pointed out, squeezing her hand yet again, “because if you don’t get help now, you know it’ll only get worse.”

“I know”, Erin sighed, “I know. And I know you’re right, it would have ended badly but… You know, that one time I got drunk before I ambushed you in the lab, I mostly got drunk because of you.”

“Whaaaaaaat”, Holtzmann let out, eyes going wide behind her yellow glasses, her reaction making Erin smile a bit, “because of me? Why? Was I that annoying?”

“No”, Erin gave back with a small laugh, “you weren’t annoying at all. Just… too attractive. And I couldn’t deal with that, not sober, so I got drunk, and apparently, drunk Erin thought it would be a good idea to go seduce you in the lab. I’m still sorry about that, by the way…”

“It’s okay”, Holtzmann reassured her, “and, um, I’m sorry? If I had known, I would have tried to be less attractive.”

“Dork”, Erin replied with a small laugh, earning another smile from the blonde; then, she leaned in for a tender kiss, feeling a bit better about the whole situation by the time they pulled apart again, telling herself that she could do this and that surely, things would be fine in the end.


	13. Chapter 13

In the next day, Holtzmann spoke to Dr Gorin, and her mentor was more than willing to help; and so, after their day at Columbia, they ended up in Erin’s apartment, with a bunch of brochures about various rehab programmes, Holtzmann quite glad to find her girlfriend sober, not quite sure what she would have done, had Erin been drunk again.

The physicist didn’t look all too happy about Dr Gorin being there, but figured it made sense somewhat – Holtzmann was eager to help, and more than willing to, but she couldn’t do so alone, and it was only natural that she had gone to her mentor for help.

And, as it turned out, Dr Gorin had another, even more personal reason to help her, as she revealed almost casually when she handed the brochures to Erin.

“I’d recommend Sunny Meadows, if you can afford it”, she told the younger professor, “it’s where I went, about a decade ago. And from what I’ve heard, their staff is still as competent and considerate as they were during my stay there.”

Clearly, Holtzmann had had no idea about this, either, since she looked quite surprised, but didn’t comment on it, Dr Gorin giving her a brief, tight smile before her focus returned to Erin.

“You’re far from the only academic to ever struggle with this, Dr Gilbert”, she told her, “trust me. You’re one of the few who are ready to get help though, you should be proud of that.”

“Thank you…?” Erin gave back, while Holtzmann smiled and took hold of her hand; she smiled back at the student, then picked up a brochure for the place Dr Gorin had recommended, looking through it, and having to admit that it did appear like just the right place for getting the help she’d need.

And with her savings, she figured that it’d be okay financially, as well; she had been desolate when she’d been fired, had felt so bad that she’d gotten drunk in the first random bar she had seen after just having walked aimlessly for a while, but now, after she’d had some time to think about it, and after Holtzmann had reminded her of how brilliant she was, she had realized that she might find a new job fairly quickly, once she’d get out of rehab, and wouldn’t need to worry much about her finances.

_It’s going to be fine_ , she thought to herself, exactly what Holtzmann had told her again and again the previous day; and for the moment, she could almost believe it, even though the thought of being away from the blonde and from her home for a month made her heart clench up.

Clearly sensing that the two needed a moment, Dr Gorin excused herself and left them alone in the living room; Erin looked at the brochure for a few more seconds, then her eyes came up to meet Holtzmann’s, her voice soft when she spoke up. “I’m going to miss you…”

“I’ll miss you too, sweetheart”, Holtzmann told her, running her thumb over her knuckles tenderly, “but I’ll be right there when you come back, alright? Waiting at the train station with your favourite flowers. What’s your favourite flower?”

“I like lilies”, Erin replied with a small laugh, “but you don’t have to bring me flowers. That you’ll be there is going to be more than enough.”

“But I wanna”, Holtzmann insisted, “and maybe chocolate, too. So you have something to look forward to, you know?”

“Again, you would be enough”, Erin reassured her, “but fine. Lilies and chocolate and you. Sounds good.”

“Goodie good”, Holtzmann smirked, earning another giggle; then, the physicist affectionately said “Dork” – before she pulled her in for a kiss, eager to get as many of those as possible before she’d end up on her way to rehab.

* * *

For thirty days after Erin had left to go to rehab, Holtzmann spent so much time in the lab that Dr Gorin started to fear for her health and seriously considered banning her from the place until Erin would come back.

It wouldn’t even harm Holtzmann’s grades, she knew, the engineering student so far ahead of schedule that she could have done nothing for three months and still would have been fine; she also knew though that forcing Holtzmann to stay away from the lab would only make the blonde worse, and so, she let her stay, only reminding her every now and then that it was just one month and that Erin would be back and better soon.

It got decidedly harder to let Holtzmann stay though when she overheard Rowan talking to another guy of the lab, the man unaware that she was there, and heard him tell the other guy that it had been him who had ratted Erin and her out to Filmore; she’d pounced him and punched him and almost had gone after him with a wrench, the other student holding her back long enough for Dr Gorin to arrive and calm her down.

After that, Rowan transferred to another lab, and Dr Gorin had to pull many strings to keep Holtzmann from being expelled; thanks to how long she had been working at Columbia already though, and thanks to how good Holtzmann was at what she was doing, she got off with a warning, was told in no unclear terms though that she’d be kicked out if she’d do something like this ever again.

“Fine”, she said to Gorin in the lab after that incident, “next time I want to kick this wimp’s ass then, I’ll do it off campus. He almost cried when I punched him, and he deserved it.”

“He certainly did”, her mentor agreed, to her surprise, “but please do not go after him again, Jillian, we really don’t need you to end up in court for assault.”

“Alriiiiight”, Holtzmann sighed, earning a small smile from the elder woman; she smiled back a bit, then focused on her project again – one she was doing for fun at this point, and to keep her hands and mind busy, all those she’d been doing for her classes long finished.

She kept herself busy like that, and when she went home at night, her Super Nintendo kept her from brooding too much about how much she missed Erin; she counted the days until Erin finally would come back, knowing that the rehab facility’s policy to not allow any outside contact certainly made sense, but still not happy about it.

And so, Holtzmann passed the time, and counted the days; and finally, the month was over, and Erin texted her the arrival time of her train – taking away a quiet fear she’d harboured that the professor might change her mind about the relationship and break up with her the moment she was back, but certainly, if she wanted Holtzmann to pick her up from the train station, she had no such plans.

For the first time since Erin had left for rehab, Holtzmann left the lab early; she made two stops on the way, excited when she finally arrived at the train station, almost half an hour early, but not caring, knowing that soon, she’d get to hold Erin her arms again.


	14. Chapter 14

As she stood waiting on the platform, Holtzmann fought the urge to nervously shift her weight from one foot to the other and back; she had been there early, and had to wait ten minutes, but wasn’t willing to do so in the waiting room, having a sort of irrational fear that the train might arrive early if she didn’t stand right there and Erin would get out and not see her and think she wouldn’t be there to pick her up.

The ten minutes seemed to take forever to pass, but finally, the engineering student saw the train appear in the distance; her heart sped up, and by the time the train came to a stop and the doors opened, she was quite sure that she would have a heart attack any moment.

She stood on the tips of her toes and craned her neck as people got out of the train, more of them than expected; then, a flash of auburn in the crowd caught her eye, and she nearly gasped out loud, unable to hold back a wide grin when a man moved out of her line of sight and revealed Erin behind him, their eyes meeting a second later.

And another moment later, the grin on Erin’s face mirrored the one on Holtzmann’s; she sped up, not caring that she bumped into the man who had been walking in front of her before as she hurried to where the blonde was standing, Holtzmann just having a second to notice how much healthier and how much more relaxed Erin looked – before the professor was in her arms and kissed her deeply, nearly prompting her to drop the flowers and chocolate.

“God, I’ve missed you”, Erin brought out once they had pulled apart again, for once not caring the slightest that there were people around, and that several of said people were looking at them; Holtzmann reassured her she’d missed her too, then pulled her in for another kiss, the content sigh which escaped the taller woman when they pulled apart once more making the blonde smile happily once more.

“You look so good”, Holtzmann said, pulling back from the hug a bit so she could give the other woman a rather unabashed once-over, “so relaxed and… just good. I imagine rehab helped?”

“It did”, Erin confirmed, smiling at her, “and, aww, Holtzmann, you really did bring me flowers and chocolate!”

“Told ya I would”, the engineering student beamed, holding the lilies out to her, “lilies and Swiss chocolate! A welcome back present for my favourite professor.”

“Thank you”, Erin said with a little giggle, then kissed her again; afterwards, she accepted the flowers, Holtzmann offering to stow the chocolate in her bag since Erin would have to open her suitcase otherwise, taking said suitcase from her so they could hold hands as they walked outside to where the taxis were waiting.

“My place or yours?” Holtzmann asked with a wink as they approached one of the waiting vehicles; Erin laughed, then told her she’d prefer her own apartment, pointing out the suitcase and that she wanted to get her clothing into the laundry as fast as possible.

“Fine with me”, the engineering student smiled, briefly putting the suitcase down so she could open the back door of the nearest taxi for her girlfriend; thanking her, Erin slid into the seat, Holtzmann following suit, giving Erin’s address to the driver, then once more fighting the urge to fidget and twitch, barely able to wait to present the professor with the second surprise she had for her.

* * *

“So, um”, Holtzmann spoke up quite a while later, as they were cuddling on Erin’s couch, “I… kinda did something, while you were gone. I hope I wasn’t overstepping any boundaries, but when I tell you, please keep in mind that I was only trying to help, okay?”

“Okay?” Erin gave back, not sure what to expect; Holtzmann cleared her throat, then asked if she remembered the faculty get together from a few weeks ago.

“Yes”, the professor confirmed, a bit confused and quite curious, “the one where Dr Gorin took you along, right?”

“Yes that one”, Holtzmann nodded, clearing her throat before she went on, “well… Dr Gorin took me along to meet someone, Dr Abby Yates. She told me to call her in case I’d ever need a job, and so I did, but… I told her about you, I told her what you do and that you’re looking for something when you’re back and she’d love to meet you. I didn’t tell her you were in rehab, I just said you were taking time off after your work at Columbia ended.”

Erin stared at her in silence for so long that Holtzmann couldn’t help, but just had to start to fidget nervously, suddenly sure that she had messed up and that the professor was mad at her – then Erin all at once threw both arms around her and hugged her tight, surprising her quite a bit.

“I don’t think anyone ever did so much for me as you”, the professor told her, taking in a shaky breath, “thank you. And of course you didn’t overstep anything, I can’t thank you enough for how much you’ve helped me…”

“My pleasure, hot stuff”, Holtzmann said with a relieved smile; Erin beamed back at her, then pulled her in for a kiss, a kiss which quickly deepened, the physicist holding back a moan when she felt the other woman’s arms wrap around her and pull her closer.

She had been thinking of this moment a lot during her rehab, the second she’d have some privacy with her girlfriend; she had imagined what they would do then a thousand times, and now was eager to make these fantasies a reality, surprising Holtzmann quite a bit when she moved one hand beneath her shirt and caressed her back, sending shivers up and down her spine.

“Careful there, Dr Gilbert”, Holtzmann mumbled as she pulled back from the kiss to take a deep breath, “or you’ll get me all worked up.”

“And that would be bad why?” Erin wanted to know, smiling at the gobsmacked look Holtzmann gave her in reply; then, she kissed her again, her hand sliding from the younger woman’s back to her front, the blonde letting out an audible groan when she cupped her breast through her bra.

“This was one of the things keeping me sane the first few days”, Erin murmured into her ear, “thinking about your hands on my skin. Your lips on mine.”

“You’re so hot”, Holtzmann blurted in response, earning a smile from the professor; then, Erin kissed her again, and Holtzmann responded by applying gentle pressure, until the redhead was flat on her back beneath her, her moan when the engineering student’s calloused hands slid beneath her blouse muffled by the blonde’s mouth on hers.

“Fair warning”, Holtzmann panted as she broke the kiss, interrupting herself with tender kisses to Erin’s throat as she went on, “if you want to move this to the bedroom, tell me now, or it’ll be too late.”

“Couch is fine”, Erin brought out, the tremble in her voice turning Holtzmann on even further; she responded by kissing her deeply once more, simultaneously opening her blouse, another moan coming from the physicist when she slid one hand beneath her bra.

“Holtz”, the professor panted when they had pulled apart again once more, “I’m all for foreplay on a regular day, but I’ve been thinking of this for _a month_. I need it now please, I need you now…”

“So. Hot.” Holtzmann almost groaned, fulfilling Erin’s wish more than gladly; she opened her pants so eagerly that she nearly tore the button, feeling as if her eyes were about to roll back in her head when she moved her hand inside the other woman’s panties and felt how wet she already was.

The moan Erin let out when she made contact only turned her on more; she’d always been a fast learner, no matter if it was about how build a machine or what women liked, and so, it didn’t take her long to find just the right spot, judging from how Erin’s hips twitched when she applied just the tiniest bit of pressure there.

“Oh God yes”, Erin moaned out, clinging to the blonde when she began moving her fingers in slow circles, then sped up, “yes don’t stop…”

Holtzmann was somewhat glad that she still had her shirt on, feeling Erin’s nails dig into her back even through the fabric; she sped up even further, and when she figured it was the right moment, moved one of them inside the physicist, and Erin fell apart beneath her, surprising her with the loudness of her moan as she came.

“Oh wow”, Erin brought out once she had managed to catch her breath enough to speak, her voice still trembling, “that was… wow. Incredible. I’ve missed you so much and I’m so happy to be back and better and I love you…”

She realized too late that she had let something which was true, but perhaps too early to be said out loud slip during her orgasm-induced rambling, going wide-eyed as she panicked internally; certainly, Holtzmann hadn’t been ready to hear this, they hadn’t even been dating for two months and one of those months she had been gone and here she was, telling her that she loved her and ruining it all.

“I love you too”, Holtzmann told her, “maybe it’s too early for this, but it’s true. That’s what I feel, I love you.”

Erin just pulled her in for another kiss, entangling both hands in her hair; and not long after, she showed Holtzmann that she could be quite the fast learner too, and learned that she wasn’t the only one who could be loud, the way Holtzmann looked when she cried out her name making her feel hot all over again, and suddenly, she was quite sure that they wouldn’t leave the couch for quite a while longer.


	15. Chapter 15

“Have a good weekend, Dr Gorin”, Holtzmann smiled as she packed up, so punctually that it made her mentor raise an eyebrow, “I’ll see you Monday!”

“You have a good weekend, too, Jillian”, Dr Gorin said, earning a bright smile from her student before Holtzmann almost skipped out of the lab, happily humming to herself as she made her way to the subway.

It had been half a year since Erin had come back from rehab, and had started working Abby and her assistant Patty shortly afterwards; and so far, the physicist had managed to stay completely sober, even though they both knew all too well that she couldn’t let her guard down, that one glass or even just one sip might be enough to take her back onto that road which had led to so much trouble in her life before.

To make sure that she’d stay away from anything alcoholic, Erin still had therapy sessions every other week, even though she hoped that she would one day be fine enough to stop with those, as well; today was not one of the days she had to go therapy after work though, and so, Holtzmann was on her way to pick her up, a spring in her step when she got off the subway again and walked the rest of the way.

By now, she was quite used to Erin being so lost in her work that she hadn’t noticed it was time to go when Holtzmann arrived at the lab she shared with Abby and Patty; and so, Holtzmann was neither surprised, nor annoyed when she found all three of them engrossed in a heated discussion.

The first few times this had happened, Holtzmann had been worried, thinking she had walked in on an actual fight; by now though, she was used to these discussions, as well, and had gotten to know Abby and Patty well enough to know that they weren’t arguing, but simply really getting into their work.

“Oh”, Patty was the first one to notice her arrival this time – by now, she made bets with herself whom it would be, usually, it was Erin, but it had been Abby or Patty too, at times, “Erin, your girl’s here! Is it that late already?”

“It is”, Holtzmann said with a smirk, walking over to where Erin was sitting on one of the workbenches and stealing a brief kiss, both of them by now quite good at the commentary which came from Erin’s colleagues at these displays of affection, “you ready to go, babe?”

“Just a minute”, Erin gave back, smiling at her, “I just have to pack up. And Abby, you know I’m right, so I win.”

“You don’t”, Abby protested at once, prompting Holtzmann to roll her eyes while Patty snickered, “and don’t you think I’ll forget this over the weekend, young lady, we’ll pick this up right where we left it Monday morning. Once we all had coffee.”

“Young lady?” Erin echoed, both Patty and Holtzmann snickering at this point, “I’m your age, Abby! If anyone in here is a young lady, it’s Holtzmann.”

“Hey!” Holtzmann said with indignation, making the other three laugh, especially with what she said next, “I might be young, but I’m certainly not a lady. Erin can attest to that.”

“Ahem”, Erin let out, clearing her throat and packing up in record time, “okay! Let’s go!”

The laughter of the people who at first had been her colleagues and now were her friends followed them outside as they left the lab; smiling, Erin grasped Holtzmann’s hand, still feeling joyous when she felt the other woman’s fingers curl around hers, even though had been doing this practically every day for the last six months.

“Good day then?” Holtzmann asked with a smile as they walked to the subway together; Erin smiled back at her and nodded – most days had been good days lately, she thought to herself, and she told Holtzmann just that, earning a bright grin from the engineering student which made her heart skip a beat.

“And yours?” she then asked, smiling when Holtzmann told her with her usual enthusiasm that her day had been good, too, then excitedly filled her in on her progress with her current project; she loved listening to the engineering student, loved her undiluted joy when she spoke of her work in the lab and her studies, the topic keeping them busy until they arrived at Erin’s apartment.

They prepared dinner together, and after it had been eaten – or, in Holtzmann’s case, devoured, which earned her a scolding since the speed with which she shovelled it down showed Erin that yet again, she had forgotten to eat during the day – they moved on to the couch, Erin snuggling up to her girlfriend, a content sigh escaping her when the younger woman put one arm around her.

“You know”, she spoke up after they just had watched TV for a while in content silence, “there’s something I’ve been thinking about…”

“Yeah?” Holtzmann wanted to know, clearly not suspecting a thing, even though Erin had been thinking about this certain idea for a while now, and figured she hadn’t always hidden it quite well; the physicist sat up so she could look at her, nervous all at once, clearing her throat before she went on.

“So, um”, she stalled a bit, earning a confused look from her girlfriend, “most days, you come here after university, right?”

“Yes?” Holtzmann could only agree, knowing it was true – she hadn’t been to her apartment often since Erin and she had started dating, especially not in the past two months, and suddenly, she worried, wondering if Erin found this annoying by now and was about to tell her that she needed some space.

“And we’ve been together for a while”, Erin went on, blushing a bit now, “and it’s been going so well so… You make me really happy Holtz, I never would have thought my life could improve so much, and I certainly didn’t expect any of this when they told me I’d have to take you on as my assistant. Anyway… I was thinking… Maybe you could move in with me? This place is big enough for two, and so is my bed, but if you think it’s too early I’ll understand too, no worries, I just thought…”

“Erin”, Holtzmann finally managed to get a word in when the professor had to pause for breath, “I’d love to move in with you. I love _you_ , and the idea to spend every evening here with you… Wow, that makes me all giddy.”

Relieved, Erin beamed at her, then pulled her in for a kiss; and as they snuggled again afterwards, she couldn’t stop smiling, suddenly just knowing that from here on, her life would only keep getting better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is done! Thank you all for reading, commenting, kudos and I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it :) Hit me up on tumblr to yell about holtzbert - dreamshapers-universe.tumblr.com - or to just yell at me in general, heh.


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